The importance of healthy boundaries

Written by Grandview Kids Social Worker, Mandy

Healthy boundaries are evident when people feel comfortable and safe. Boundaries are an important part of any relationship, personal or professional, for individuals to feel respected and to be respectful to others. They recognize that interactions include emotional, physical, use of time, intellectual, material (i.e., loaning money), relationship, professional and digital or online.

Healthy boundaries are:

• A safeguard to overextending yourself
• A self-care practice
• A way of defining roles in a relationship
• Strategies to communicate acceptable and unacceptable behaviours
• Perimeters for knowing what to expect in relationships
• How we can express our own needs

Boundaries are based on values and are individual to each of us. What is comfortable for one may not be for another. As important as it is to set your own boundaries, it is just as important to recognize and respect the boundaries of others.

However, this is sometimes a difficult feat. If this is a challenge for you, know that you are not alone. Our life experiences define our boundaries, and others can influence us until we identify the need to define them ourselves.

Consider a time that you felt uncomfortable or unsafe with someone. For example, you feel that you cannot express your own opinion in a family discussion for fear of being ridiculed. That is usually indicative of a pattern in the family dynamics. Replay that same scenario in your head, but imagine you are using confident body language and assertive communication.

• “I can see where you are coming from. However, my experience with this is…”

If the person you are interacting with becomes disrespectful towards you, you can say “no.” Everyone always has the right to say no, whether it’s a friend asking for favours or someone threatening your personal safety.

• “I’m not comfortable with this…”
• “Please don’t do that…”
• “I’ve decided not to…”

An explanation isn’t required, but use ‘I’ statements if you want to.

• “I feel that you are taking advantage of me when you ask me to…”
• “I feel disrespected when you speak to me like that…”

On the flip side is respecting the boundaries of others. Remember that these are all individual. You may be someone who likes to hug but physical touch could be triggering for some people.

• “Is it ok if I give you a hug?”
• “I would prefer if you didn’t.”
• “Ok, I’ll remember that from now on.”

Hot topics, such as politics and religion, can be uncomfortable conversations for some. You can start a respectful conversation by explaining your own boundaries.

• “I am very thoughtful about the election. Can we discuss that?”
• “I am also very thoughtful about it but am uncomfortable discussing politics.”
• “That’s understandable. What would you like to talk about?”

A healthy interaction is a give-and-take activity. If you start to feel unheard, disrespected or uncomfortable, that means that you are giving too much of yourself in that scenario, and it’s a good time to bring out your boundaries. If you notice someone you are speaking with seems uncomfortable or angry, consider that you might be taking too much in that conversation and need to respect other’s boundaries.

Remember that your self-care is top priority!